Two of my MIL's favorite things are dogs and cigarettes not sure in what order. For the past nine months that she has been in our home she quit smoking. Thank goodness. Smoking is one habit that would be hard for me to live with.
In the past several months I have compared having my MIL in our home to being a parent. I have always heard people say that the child becomes the parent when the parent ages. Well, that has definitely been the case when dealing with a parent who has alzheimers.
For the past two days since I have been home I have watched my MIL get on the bus to ride to the Senior Citizen Center. I noticed that both days she was taking her purse with her. I thought that was kind of odd because she hasn't taken it for the 7 or 8 months that she has been going. I asked if she meant to take it and she said yes as she clutched it close to her chest! Reminded me of my girls going to school with a toy in their backpack that they weren't supposed to take and just their body language told you they were hiding something. I felt the same way with my MIL---but what was I supposed to do---strip search her!
About 11:30, I heard a knock on the front door and could see through the window that it was my MIL returning from the Center. By the time I got to the door she had headed toward the garage so I ran to the backdoor to open the garage. I walked out on the driveway and she was no where to be found. I called out her name and went back to the front door as I looked on the patio in the backyard---she was no where to be seen. While I was running from door to door the phone rang so I stopped to answer it and then returned to the garage to see if she had appeared. As I opened the door that goes onto the patio, there she was. As the wind blew her in, I had an ah-ha moment. She had been smoking---thus the reason she was carrying that purse and holding onto it for dear life! I asked if she had been smoking and she said she was sitting on the air conditioner (out of any view from our windows) and smoked a cigarette. I felt like the mom who had just busted her teenage daughter for smoking! She even had the same look on her face as a thirteen year old would!
Evidently she has found a friend at the Center that is giving her cigarettes. It cracks me up! My husband on the other hand was not as amused by her "hanging out" with the wrong crowd at the Center--hahaha!!
So, I guess Santa will definitely want to know if she has been naughty or nice. I guess we will see if Santa comes tonight!
Life is good over the hill!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Cookies for My Friends
I work at a university so I am off for the next two weeks. This is good or this is bad depending on who you are! My daughter who is home from college loves it because we can hang out and of course, shop! My MIL, however, may not be as excited about me being home because it interrupts her routine.
Yesterday I was sitting downstairs watching "Good Morning America" in my robe just enjoying the fact that I didn't have to go to work and could sit in my robe all day if I wanted to. My MIL was pacing back and forth on the upstairs landing, reminiscent of a caged animal waiting to pounce, obviously confused as to why I was home! She finally came down and asked me how I was feeling. I told her I wasn't sick just "home for the holidays"! I realized that I was totally disrupting her routine since the only time I am home from work is if I am sick.
In an earlier post, I mentioned her wanting to get gifts for her friends at the center (Senior Citizen Center). My husband, being the great cook that he is, had decided we could make no bake oatmeal cookies for her take. I was sitting in the kitchen with my daughter while she showed me pictures on facebook talking to my husband as he got ready to start making cookies. We had a front row seat to watch my MIL as she tried to help my husband prepare her "gifts".
As is the case every evening when we are preparing meals, she comes in and asks to help. Now, this is the woman who NEVER cooked a meal when my husband was old enough to cook thus the reason he is such a good cook.
Anyway, she came in and asked if she could help in typical fashion. When he told her we were going to make something for her to take to her friends, she got so excited I thought she was going to have a breakdown. She paced around the island that he was working on desperately trying to help. She kept asking if she could wash a pot, throw away an empty container, or stir something. Each time he patiently told her he didn't need her help yet Now, we have two girls who loved to help mom and dad in the kitchen during holiday baking and I remember how much they wanted to stir something, sit on the counter, or lick a beater. She acted just like they did at 4 or 5 when they were helping us in the kitchen. The only difference, my MIL didn't ask to lick the beater. But, she probably wanted to though!
After the cookies cooled my husband told her she could help by putting 8 cookies in each bag. I watched her as she struggled to count to eight and remember how many she had already put in a bag. The cookies were laid on a piece of foil to cool (we ran out of parchment paper) and you could see where the cookies had laid. In the middle of her count she would count the places on the foil to see if she had the right number. With each bag she would ask if she was supposed to be putting eight cookies in the bag. We reassured her that was correct. It is so childlike how she gained confidence just like a small child does when your encouraging words boost their self esteem.
Once all the bags were stuffed she appeared to gloat at what she had accomplished. My husband helped her put all eleven bags into her orange recyclable bag so she could take them the next day. She kept coming in the kitchen afterwards to see where we had put the cookies and each time my husband reminded her where they were. He hung the bag on the front door so she would see them when she left.
As I was enjoying my lazy morning today, my MIL came down the stairs as she does every morning waiting for the Senior Citizen Center bus to come get her. At 9:03 they drove up, gave a honk, and she went running out. My daughter, who had not seen her get on the bus yet, watched from the front door. She said, "Mom, who is Grandy supposed to be giving the cookies to?" I said, "her friends at the center." She said, "Mom, she is passing them out on the bus!" I ran to look out the window and sure enough we could see her passing them out to everyone on the bus and the bus was full. There are usually only about 2-3 other riders but today there were about 7-8. We realized then that she probably didn't remember who she had planned to give them to but all in all it made her feel better thinking she had a gift to give her friends at the Center.
I can't help but think back to the meeting with the counselor when she had her testing done and her response to the question about her goals. Her only goal was to live alone and be able to take care of herself. I am reminded on these occasions that she just wants to be able to do things for herself.
Cookies for the Center........life is good over the hill!
Yesterday I was sitting downstairs watching "Good Morning America" in my robe just enjoying the fact that I didn't have to go to work and could sit in my robe all day if I wanted to. My MIL was pacing back and forth on the upstairs landing, reminiscent of a caged animal waiting to pounce, obviously confused as to why I was home! She finally came down and asked me how I was feeling. I told her I wasn't sick just "home for the holidays"! I realized that I was totally disrupting her routine since the only time I am home from work is if I am sick.
In an earlier post, I mentioned her wanting to get gifts for her friends at the center (Senior Citizen Center). My husband, being the great cook that he is, had decided we could make no bake oatmeal cookies for her take. I was sitting in the kitchen with my daughter while she showed me pictures on facebook talking to my husband as he got ready to start making cookies. We had a front row seat to watch my MIL as she tried to help my husband prepare her "gifts".
As is the case every evening when we are preparing meals, she comes in and asks to help. Now, this is the woman who NEVER cooked a meal when my husband was old enough to cook thus the reason he is such a good cook.
Anyway, she came in and asked if she could help in typical fashion. When he told her we were going to make something for her to take to her friends, she got so excited I thought she was going to have a breakdown. She paced around the island that he was working on desperately trying to help. She kept asking if she could wash a pot, throw away an empty container, or stir something. Each time he patiently told her he didn't need her help yet Now, we have two girls who loved to help mom and dad in the kitchen during holiday baking and I remember how much they wanted to stir something, sit on the counter, or lick a beater. She acted just like they did at 4 or 5 when they were helping us in the kitchen. The only difference, my MIL didn't ask to lick the beater. But, she probably wanted to though!
After the cookies cooled my husband told her she could help by putting 8 cookies in each bag. I watched her as she struggled to count to eight and remember how many she had already put in a bag. The cookies were laid on a piece of foil to cool (we ran out of parchment paper) and you could see where the cookies had laid. In the middle of her count she would count the places on the foil to see if she had the right number. With each bag she would ask if she was supposed to be putting eight cookies in the bag. We reassured her that was correct. It is so childlike how she gained confidence just like a small child does when your encouraging words boost their self esteem.
Once all the bags were stuffed she appeared to gloat at what she had accomplished. My husband helped her put all eleven bags into her orange recyclable bag so she could take them the next day. She kept coming in the kitchen afterwards to see where we had put the cookies and each time my husband reminded her where they were. He hung the bag on the front door so she would see them when she left.
As I was enjoying my lazy morning today, my MIL came down the stairs as she does every morning waiting for the Senior Citizen Center bus to come get her. At 9:03 they drove up, gave a honk, and she went running out. My daughter, who had not seen her get on the bus yet, watched from the front door. She said, "Mom, who is Grandy supposed to be giving the cookies to?" I said, "her friends at the center." She said, "Mom, she is passing them out on the bus!" I ran to look out the window and sure enough we could see her passing them out to everyone on the bus and the bus was full. There are usually only about 2-3 other riders but today there were about 7-8. We realized then that she probably didn't remember who she had planned to give them to but all in all it made her feel better thinking she had a gift to give her friends at the Center.
I can't help but think back to the meeting with the counselor when she had her testing done and her response to the question about her goals. Her only goal was to live alone and be able to take care of herself. I am reminded on these occasions that she just wants to be able to do things for herself.
Cookies for the Center........life is good over the hill!
Monday, December 20, 2010
12 Days of Christmas
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Christmas is a favorite time of the year for my MIL. She always went overboard on doing for others which every one always appreciated. Now, Christmas is a time that she feels helpless and a reminder that she can't "do Christmas" like she used to.
The other day we were making candy and preparing bags for the people at my office. My MIL came in the room and asked me what day it was, I told her; then she asked what the date was, I told her. She said, "so I have twelve days until Christmas." I said,"yes, why do you ask." She said, "well, I have to get some gifts for my friends at the center." I thought this was probably something she was worrying about so I said, "oh, you probably don't need to worry about that" (thinking first, there were probably 100 people that go there daily, and secondly, that no one expected to get gifts for each other). She said, "well, they have gotten me gifts" and I said, "oh, what have they given you?" She said, "well, I don't remember for sure but I think I ate it all!"
I loved it! So, I told her we would take care of it. We would make candy bags for her friends at the center so she could take it to them. Two minutes earlier I told my husband how nice it was not to have to buy our daughters friends gifts. I spoke too soon----instead we will be buying gifts (or making gifts) for my MIL's friends! Heelarious!!
Twelve days to Christmas and everyday we work hard to make it a "normal" Christmas for her! It is what it is! Life is good over the hill!
The other day we were making candy and preparing bags for the people at my office. My MIL came in the room and asked me what day it was, I told her; then she asked what the date was, I told her. She said, "so I have twelve days until Christmas." I said,"yes, why do you ask." She said, "well, I have to get some gifts for my friends at the center." I thought this was probably something she was worrying about so I said, "oh, you probably don't need to worry about that" (thinking first, there were probably 100 people that go there daily, and secondly, that no one expected to get gifts for each other). She said, "well, they have gotten me gifts" and I said, "oh, what have they given you?" She said, "well, I don't remember for sure but I think I ate it all!"
I loved it! So, I told her we would take care of it. We would make candy bags for her friends at the center so she could take it to them. Two minutes earlier I told my husband how nice it was not to have to buy our daughters friends gifts. I spoke too soon----instead we will be buying gifts (or making gifts) for my MIL's friends! Heelarious!!
Twelve days to Christmas and everyday we work hard to make it a "normal" Christmas for her! It is what it is! Life is good over the hill!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Christmas Cards
Today the mailman came and brought a Christmas card for my MIL. Getting mail can be another trigger to her past that can be a difficult challenge for her to process "connections" and "locations".
This particular card came from a couple who she knew in Houston but they had moved to New York several years ago. When I asked my MIL who the card was from she told me it was from someone she had gone to college with. But I could tell by the way she was fidgeting with the envelope that she wasn't sure. She was peeling the stamp up and saying something about you couldn't even tell where it came from. I looked at the envelope and sure enough the stamp had been postmarked but you could only see TX on it.
She was very frustrated that the card did not have a return address and the couple had signed it with first names and no last names. I recognized the first names and told her who I thought it was from. But she seemed to get more irritated that they didn't sign their last name or put their return address on the envelope. I could tell this was going to be one of those instances where the thoughtful act of sending her a Christmas Card was going to create a moment of frustration. She could not place who these people were, how she knew them, or where she knew them from.
After pacing back in forth from her room to the kitchen, she finally retreated to her room upstairs to read. It appears frustration over the lack of her ability to remember little things is beginning to be a daily occurrence. The neurologist told us in May that she would decline three times as fast in the next six months as she had in the previous year. Until December we really had not seen signs of significant decline until now.
It makes me wonder what the new year will hold!
Life is good .....over the hill!
This particular card came from a couple who she knew in Houston but they had moved to New York several years ago. When I asked my MIL who the card was from she told me it was from someone she had gone to college with. But I could tell by the way she was fidgeting with the envelope that she wasn't sure. She was peeling the stamp up and saying something about you couldn't even tell where it came from. I looked at the envelope and sure enough the stamp had been postmarked but you could only see TX on it.
She was very frustrated that the card did not have a return address and the couple had signed it with first names and no last names. I recognized the first names and told her who I thought it was from. But she seemed to get more irritated that they didn't sign their last name or put their return address on the envelope. I could tell this was going to be one of those instances where the thoughtful act of sending her a Christmas Card was going to create a moment of frustration. She could not place who these people were, how she knew them, or where she knew them from.
After pacing back in forth from her room to the kitchen, she finally retreated to her room upstairs to read. It appears frustration over the lack of her ability to remember little things is beginning to be a daily occurrence. The neurologist told us in May that she would decline three times as fast in the next six months as she had in the previous year. Until December we really had not seen signs of significant decline until now.
It makes me wonder what the new year will hold!
Life is good .....over the hill!
The Tree is Family
Day 285: The last few weeks have been difficult for my MIL as we decorate for Christmas. Christmas has always been her favorite time of the year. She would decorate her home, hang Christmas lights outside, and have my father-in-law build a Christmas scene for the yard. She was notorious for shopping up until Christmas Eve and wrapping presents literally as we were sitting downstairs by the tree waiting to unwrap them! She would search high and low to find the right presents and make Christmas special for everyone. When my husband's dad was alive he was always being assigned a building project to personalize the gift that much more. One Christmas he made Mickey Mouse wooden chairs for our girls---we still have them and will someday use them with our grandchildren. The girls loved them---they would sit and rock in them reading their favorite books for hours.
As we put up our tree my MIL sat and just stared at the tree while my husband wrapped each branch with lights. This is something he learned from his mom. I watched her and could tell that she was remembering how she used to decorate the tree and how important it was to her to have every branch wrapped with the most lights possible. She prided herself on the number of strands of lights that it took to properly light up her tree. Thus the question she asked my husband as she sat and watched him, she asked, "how many strands of lights do you put on your tree?" I got it but I'm not sure my husband made the connection. I know it was one more reminder of something she used to enjoy doing at a very special time of the year.
So, as we continue to build memories and traditions with our children we will try to be sensitive to how important this time of the year is to her. We have her a stocking hung with the rest of our family and will fill it with some special items that just she will enjoy----lottery tickets, notepads, and lipstick. These are just a few of her "favorite things"!
Life is good----over the hill.
As we put up our tree my MIL sat and just stared at the tree while my husband wrapped each branch with lights. This is something he learned from his mom. I watched her and could tell that she was remembering how she used to decorate the tree and how important it was to her to have every branch wrapped with the most lights possible. She prided herself on the number of strands of lights that it took to properly light up her tree. Thus the question she asked my husband as she sat and watched him, she asked, "how many strands of lights do you put on your tree?" I got it but I'm not sure my husband made the connection. I know it was one more reminder of something she used to enjoy doing at a very special time of the year.
So, as we continue to build memories and traditions with our children we will try to be sensitive to how important this time of the year is to her. We have her a stocking hung with the rest of our family and will fill it with some special items that just she will enjoy----lottery tickets, notepads, and lipstick. These are just a few of her "favorite things"!
Life is good----over the hill.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference. Winnie the Pooh
Day 257: My blog for today comes from Winnie The Pooh. A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference. I pray each day that all of those people trying to make life difficult for my husband will get that. Their aunt, sister-in-law, friend, or whatever, is not the same person they knew and if they could just for one second get that---I would be eternally grateful. Every conversation or reminder of her "normal life" sets her back.
If just for once, when they say they are "concerned", would they just consider the disease and think for once about what my husband has to deal with daily. Not just the one phone call here or there to see how things are going. Well, guess what they are doing as best as they can given the cards we/she has been dealt.
We strive each day to provide her with the best quality of life possible for as long as we can and that is more than most people in our same situation can do or are willing to do. That's as simple as it gets......IT IS WHAT IT IS! The bible speaks specifically about judging others so here is my scripture for the week:
Matthew 7:1-3
Judge not, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
I will continue to lift our situation up to the Lord---he will reveal his plan to us. We have to be patient and trust in Him.
If just for once, when they say they are "concerned", would they just consider the disease and think for once about what my husband has to deal with daily. Not just the one phone call here or there to see how things are going. Well, guess what they are doing as best as they can given the cards we/she has been dealt.
We strive each day to provide her with the best quality of life possible for as long as we can and that is more than most people in our same situation can do or are willing to do. That's as simple as it gets......IT IS WHAT IT IS! The bible speaks specifically about judging others so here is my scripture for the week:
Matthew 7:1-3
Judge not, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
I will continue to lift our situation up to the Lord---he will reveal his plan to us. We have to be patient and trust in Him.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Passing Judgement on the Caregiver
I guess since it has been so long since I "blogged" that I need to make up for lost time! The title for this blog sums up some feelings I have harbored since we moved my MIL from her home in south Texas three years ago. As the wife to an only child, you just don't realize the amount of responsibility and burden it creates when your parent or parents have not prepared for their own future. Throw on top of that a horrible disease like Alzheimer's where your parent is unable to care for them self but is physically in a position to make you second guess the type of living assistance needed.
But the most incredible part of this journey has been the insensitivity of the very people who claim to be friends and family. Everyone thinks they know what is best for my MIL and of course, none of them know the daily struggles that she has in just her daily living. If she would have continued living alone, she would have died and almost did three times when she was hospitalized for taking her medication wrong.
She had learned to compensate for her memory challenges by doing little things to keep people from finding out. Even the neurologist that first saw her said, "she is a smart one; she has created many defense mechanisms to hide the symptoms of her disease." She even admitted recently that she had hoped to die in the bedroom of her home and that no one would know what was wrong with her. But the neurologist she is seeing now told her, "you can still have a wonderful quality of life even though you can't remember little things along the way".
My husband and I never dreamed that we would be in the situation we are in right now and believe me, I would not wish this on anyone. But, as my new philosophy on life states: IT IS WHAT IT IS----GET OVER IT AND ENJOY LIFE!
I just hope that the people that are sitting around talking about how awful it is that she is living with us would walk one day in our shoes. Try to understand the difficulty of the disease and the difficult task the caregiver has in keeping her safe while maintaining a "normal" life. Institutionalization isn't always the right option for care.
It is not a journey any of us choose to take but it is a journey and we will find the meaning in this journey.
But the most incredible part of this journey has been the insensitivity of the very people who claim to be friends and family. Everyone thinks they know what is best for my MIL and of course, none of them know the daily struggles that she has in just her daily living. If she would have continued living alone, she would have died and almost did three times when she was hospitalized for taking her medication wrong.
She had learned to compensate for her memory challenges by doing little things to keep people from finding out. Even the neurologist that first saw her said, "she is a smart one; she has created many defense mechanisms to hide the symptoms of her disease." She even admitted recently that she had hoped to die in the bedroom of her home and that no one would know what was wrong with her. But the neurologist she is seeing now told her, "you can still have a wonderful quality of life even though you can't remember little things along the way".
My husband and I never dreamed that we would be in the situation we are in right now and believe me, I would not wish this on anyone. But, as my new philosophy on life states: IT IS WHAT IT IS----GET OVER IT AND ENJOY LIFE!
I just hope that the people that are sitting around talking about how awful it is that she is living with us would walk one day in our shoes. Try to understand the difficulty of the disease and the difficult task the caregiver has in keeping her safe while maintaining a "normal" life. Institutionalization isn't always the right option for care.
It is not a journey any of us choose to take but it is a journey and we will find the meaning in this journey.
Day 240: 8 Months & a Wedding
Wow! I can't believe it has been eight months since my MIL moved in with us. It has been an incredible journey of self-actualization for her and an eye-opening experience for our family. We know see this woman in such a different way.
Since my last blog, my oldest daughter got married and my MIL never knew what was going on. We started planning the wedding in May and had the wedding in October. I guess that would explain why I haven't had time to sit down and share my thoughts.
Here a few examples of where my MIL is almost a year later with her decline in memory:
Engagement Announcement- this went out in June and she was able to read it. She couldn't understand why her parents weren't listed and got very upset. She thought the announcement was for my husband and I.
Bridal Shower- my MIL has always been very materialistic and thinks you show your love for someone by how much money you can give them. Anyway, she got so flustered the day before the shower and kept asking my husband who was getting married and did she get my daughter some money. I will usually buy a gift for her and had done so this time too.
At the shower, there were so many people there I was trying to visit with that I kept looking for my MIL to make sure she was okay. She stayed pretty close to my mom so I felt comfortable moving about the room to visit. But on one occasion I couldn't help but tear up. I looked across the room to see her sitting alone on the ottoman and she looked so scared. Her face was almost pale as she looked around the room for someone that she knew. It broke my heart to think how she must feel--her granddaughter was sitting two chairs over opening wedding gifts and she still wasn't sure what was going on.
Wedding & Rehearsal Dinner-
The big day was finally here and we had so much still to do to pull off the event of a lifetime for my daughter! My husband was so worried about how his mom was going to do and she did great. She worried up to the day of the wedding about her clothes. Any time the subject of the wedding would come up, she would ask: 1. "who's wedding is it?" 2. "Lauren's?" "I didn't know she was getting married--when is it?" and 3. "Well, I don't have anything to wear, I need to go find something." This went on at least once a week from June to October anytime the subject of the wedding came up. She even told our hairdresser that my mom had gotten new clothes to wear to the wedding but she didn't; we had just taken her shopping that week! So childlike!
I had to keep her wedding clothes in my bedroom because she would move them or try to take them to the girls room because they weren't hers. I packed her clothes and worked for three days trying to convince her that I had taken care of getting her things ready for the wedding. We had even tried them on again a couple of times before the wedding just to remind her she had clothes to wear.
The morning we were leaving for the wedding she made at least 6 trips from the car to her room looking for things---I finally had to tell her to get in the car that we had everything. I feel so bad but you have to almost become the parent and treat her like a child.
This was the saddest part. At the wedding, she was ushered in (we made special arrangements with the wedding coordinator to have her seated after my parents so she could sit with my mom)and seated two seats from me. I heard her ask my mom, as my husband and daughter were walking in, if my daughter (Lauren) was going to be there. When my mom told her she was the one getting married, she said, "I didn't know Lauren was getting married!"
Alzheimer's is the most horrible disease on earth! It robs your body of your mind and your body is still able to function!
Since my last blog, my oldest daughter got married and my MIL never knew what was going on. We started planning the wedding in May and had the wedding in October. I guess that would explain why I haven't had time to sit down and share my thoughts.
Here a few examples of where my MIL is almost a year later with her decline in memory:
Engagement Announcement- this went out in June and she was able to read it. She couldn't understand why her parents weren't listed and got very upset. She thought the announcement was for my husband and I.
Bridal Shower- my MIL has always been very materialistic and thinks you show your love for someone by how much money you can give them. Anyway, she got so flustered the day before the shower and kept asking my husband who was getting married and did she get my daughter some money. I will usually buy a gift for her and had done so this time too.
At the shower, there were so many people there I was trying to visit with that I kept looking for my MIL to make sure she was okay. She stayed pretty close to my mom so I felt comfortable moving about the room to visit. But on one occasion I couldn't help but tear up. I looked across the room to see her sitting alone on the ottoman and she looked so scared. Her face was almost pale as she looked around the room for someone that she knew. It broke my heart to think how she must feel--her granddaughter was sitting two chairs over opening wedding gifts and she still wasn't sure what was going on.
Wedding & Rehearsal Dinner-
The big day was finally here and we had so much still to do to pull off the event of a lifetime for my daughter! My husband was so worried about how his mom was going to do and she did great. She worried up to the day of the wedding about her clothes. Any time the subject of the wedding would come up, she would ask: 1. "who's wedding is it?" 2. "Lauren's?" "I didn't know she was getting married--when is it?" and 3. "Well, I don't have anything to wear, I need to go find something." This went on at least once a week from June to October anytime the subject of the wedding came up. She even told our hairdresser that my mom had gotten new clothes to wear to the wedding but she didn't; we had just taken her shopping that week! So childlike!
I had to keep her wedding clothes in my bedroom because she would move them or try to take them to the girls room because they weren't hers. I packed her clothes and worked for three days trying to convince her that I had taken care of getting her things ready for the wedding. We had even tried them on again a couple of times before the wedding just to remind her she had clothes to wear.
The morning we were leaving for the wedding she made at least 6 trips from the car to her room looking for things---I finally had to tell her to get in the car that we had everything. I feel so bad but you have to almost become the parent and treat her like a child.
This was the saddest part. At the wedding, she was ushered in (we made special arrangements with the wedding coordinator to have her seated after my parents so she could sit with my mom)and seated two seats from me. I heard her ask my mom, as my husband and daughter were walking in, if my daughter (Lauren) was going to be there. When my mom told her she was the one getting married, she said, "I didn't know Lauren was getting married!"
Alzheimer's is the most horrible disease on earth! It robs your body of your mind and your body is still able to function!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Day 141- Socialization
Last week we took my MIL for a follow-up appointment with her neurologist. He wanted to visit with her to see how she was doing on the Namenda. He asked if we had noticed any changes and we really haven't other than she seems to sleep alot. She will go to bed around 8pm and not get up until 8:30 or 9am. She has never been one to require alot of sleep so this was a noticeable change for her.
He asked about how she was doing with socializing. This is still one area that we struggle with because she just really doesn't want to get out in fear that people will know something is wrong with her.
Immediately after the appointment, we headed over to the city senior citizen center and got a complete tour. It will provide a great opportunity for her to socialize with other seniors. They will pick her up and take her home in addition to providing her a meal at lunch for a donation.
She was so excited that she continued to ask us all night what we had to do to get her on that bus to the senior center. She even wanted to go clothes shopping so she could have something to wear. After all her closet was filled with a bunch of old clothes----not completely true, she has just bought a few new things for the summer.
Anyway, I am happy to report that this is the fourth day of her going to the senior center and her third day of riding the bus home. It so reminded me the first day of taking my kids to daycare. There was a traffic jam getting in line to pick her up and when I got there she wasn't waiting out front for me. I had to go in and look for her----it didn't take long because I knew exactly where she would be---not in the exercise room but the craft room. When we got in the car, I asked her the same questions I used to ask my two daughters when I picked them up from school---what did you do today, what did you have for lunch, and did you have fun? Of course, the difference between asking a kid and asking my MIL is the kid can tell you exactly what they did but my MIL couldn't remember. As for lunch, her response was, " I can't remember but I'm sure it was good".
Everyday she has asked if she needed to call to remind them to come pick her up. We have been thrilled that she is excited about getting out and being around people again. For several years when she was in Houston, she laid in her bedroom and watched TV not understanding why her back hurt.
Wow, what a difference a change in living can make!
He asked about how she was doing with socializing. This is still one area that we struggle with because she just really doesn't want to get out in fear that people will know something is wrong with her.
Immediately after the appointment, we headed over to the city senior citizen center and got a complete tour. It will provide a great opportunity for her to socialize with other seniors. They will pick her up and take her home in addition to providing her a meal at lunch for a donation.
She was so excited that she continued to ask us all night what we had to do to get her on that bus to the senior center. She even wanted to go clothes shopping so she could have something to wear. After all her closet was filled with a bunch of old clothes----not completely true, she has just bought a few new things for the summer.
Anyway, I am happy to report that this is the fourth day of her going to the senior center and her third day of riding the bus home. It so reminded me the first day of taking my kids to daycare. There was a traffic jam getting in line to pick her up and when I got there she wasn't waiting out front for me. I had to go in and look for her----it didn't take long because I knew exactly where she would be---not in the exercise room but the craft room. When we got in the car, I asked her the same questions I used to ask my two daughters when I picked them up from school---what did you do today, what did you have for lunch, and did you have fun? Of course, the difference between asking a kid and asking my MIL is the kid can tell you exactly what they did but my MIL couldn't remember. As for lunch, her response was, " I can't remember but I'm sure it was good".
Everyday she has asked if she needed to call to remind them to come pick her up. We have been thrilled that she is excited about getting out and being around people again. For several years when she was in Houston, she laid in her bedroom and watched TV not understanding why her back hurt.
Wow, what a difference a change in living can make!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Official Diagnosis
Day 84: Well, it has been a while since I have blogged so I don't know where to start! There have been so many things going on that just sitting down to type a few words has been a challenge.
It's official----my mother-in-law was officially diagnosed by a neurologist as having Alzheimer's. He prescribed a new medication, Namenda, that he wants to see how it will work with her condition. When we met with him, he told us a few things that we already knew but it always helps to get a professional opinion.
He told us that she could no longer live by herself, she needs to be physically active, eat right, and socialize. Getting her to be physically active and socialize are two very difficult tasks at this point. She really just wants to be away from people so no one will know that something is wrong with her.
Here are a few funny stories from our latest adventures/outings:
Lauren's Graduation from Texas A&M:
1. Packing- very difficult for my MIL to think about how many days we are going to be out of town, how many outfits, what outfit is appropriate for what event, deciding on shoes to take with each outfit, the number of underwear needed, jewelry to accessorize, hose, toiletries, etc. I had decided after our trip to Lubbock that I would have to pack her while my husband took her to get her hair done. I had written down by day what to pack so I wouldn't forget to pack something. But, they got back to the house before I was finished so I had to tell her, without hurting her pride, that I was going to help her pack since I knew what all we would be doing in College Station. She was okay with that. After we got everything in the suitcase, I closed it, zipped it up, and took it downstairs where she could not get to it. Because of the disease she keeps checking and re-checking what she has packed trying desperately to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything. This continued for the next hour and 30 minutes until we left. I finally had her look at the list where I had written down what we packed and that allowed her to stop her "stewing" for the moment. She did recall though that we had not packed panty-hose so she went and retrieved those for the trip.
2. Graduation- we sat through a 3 hour ceremony for my soon to be son-in-law prior to attending the same 3 hour ceremony for my daughter at Texas A&M. There were several discussions with my MIL about who was graduating, was it high school, where were we, and where was Lauren (my daughter who was waiting to walk across the stage to get her diploma). This is the part of the disease that is so hard to understand how someone can hear information and in such a short time forget what they just heard. We got in the car to leave and my MIL asked my daughter, who was still in her graduation gown, if she was going to take any classes this summer. Lauren politely responded that no she wasn't and that was that. I can't imagine what it must be like to know that you are physically in this world but mentally do not know what is going on around you. I am thankful that my children are learning to answer without the usual "remember, I told you" statement that I remember my MIL saying to her mother who also suffered from Alzheimers. They don't remember!!
3. State Track Meet- not only did my oldest daughter graduate from college but my youngest was running her last track meet in Austin at the state track meet. So, Saturday was a little hectic. My MIL did great---she went right along and really seemed to enjoy herself. We have noticed that she will cling to my mother who is about the same age.
We got tickled though at my MIL and her purse. It is the Alzheimer patient's version of a security blanket. Most of the time we were looking for her purse or she was digging in it looking for something. When you asked her what she was looking for she would mumble something about lipstick, comb, or ask "do I have any money?"
At one point, under pressure, we were trying to get out of the car to get to the stadium in the 20 minutes we had to spare before my daughter ran, my MIL was looking all over the car for her purse. My mom told me and my husband to go on and they would join us. They never did find her purse until we were unpacking the car and it was by the bag of goodies. Evidently she got her a little snack and laid her purse down to do so.
Overall, she did fine and again seemed to laugh a lot, play with the little kids, and stayed in the room with all of the people who came for Lauren & Landon's graduation party. In Austin, she sat out at the track meet and seemed to enjoy watching the high school kids run. At the hotel that night, she began to wind down and seemed to be tired. But even at that point, we found some humor in her routines. She took her suitcase, unpacked the clothes in it, repacked them, sat out a few different outfits for the next day, and zipped and unzipped the three suitcase zippers at least five times each. I was in the other room and could hear the zipper zip and unzip many times. I had to chuckle to myself because I could see her in my mind doing this without seeing her in action.
Life is good over the hill.
It's official----my mother-in-law was officially diagnosed by a neurologist as having Alzheimer's. He prescribed a new medication, Namenda, that he wants to see how it will work with her condition. When we met with him, he told us a few things that we already knew but it always helps to get a professional opinion.
He told us that she could no longer live by herself, she needs to be physically active, eat right, and socialize. Getting her to be physically active and socialize are two very difficult tasks at this point. She really just wants to be away from people so no one will know that something is wrong with her.
Here are a few funny stories from our latest adventures/outings:
Lauren's Graduation from Texas A&M:
1. Packing- very difficult for my MIL to think about how many days we are going to be out of town, how many outfits, what outfit is appropriate for what event, deciding on shoes to take with each outfit, the number of underwear needed, jewelry to accessorize, hose, toiletries, etc. I had decided after our trip to Lubbock that I would have to pack her while my husband took her to get her hair done. I had written down by day what to pack so I wouldn't forget to pack something. But, they got back to the house before I was finished so I had to tell her, without hurting her pride, that I was going to help her pack since I knew what all we would be doing in College Station. She was okay with that. After we got everything in the suitcase, I closed it, zipped it up, and took it downstairs where she could not get to it. Because of the disease she keeps checking and re-checking what she has packed trying desperately to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything. This continued for the next hour and 30 minutes until we left. I finally had her look at the list where I had written down what we packed and that allowed her to stop her "stewing" for the moment. She did recall though that we had not packed panty-hose so she went and retrieved those for the trip.
2. Graduation- we sat through a 3 hour ceremony for my soon to be son-in-law prior to attending the same 3 hour ceremony for my daughter at Texas A&M. There were several discussions with my MIL about who was graduating, was it high school, where were we, and where was Lauren (my daughter who was waiting to walk across the stage to get her diploma). This is the part of the disease that is so hard to understand how someone can hear information and in such a short time forget what they just heard. We got in the car to leave and my MIL asked my daughter, who was still in her graduation gown, if she was going to take any classes this summer. Lauren politely responded that no she wasn't and that was that. I can't imagine what it must be like to know that you are physically in this world but mentally do not know what is going on around you. I am thankful that my children are learning to answer without the usual "remember, I told you" statement that I remember my MIL saying to her mother who also suffered from Alzheimers. They don't remember!!
3. State Track Meet- not only did my oldest daughter graduate from college but my youngest was running her last track meet in Austin at the state track meet. So, Saturday was a little hectic. My MIL did great---she went right along and really seemed to enjoy herself. We have noticed that she will cling to my mother who is about the same age.
We got tickled though at my MIL and her purse. It is the Alzheimer patient's version of a security blanket. Most of the time we were looking for her purse or she was digging in it looking for something. When you asked her what she was looking for she would mumble something about lipstick, comb, or ask "do I have any money?"
At one point, under pressure, we were trying to get out of the car to get to the stadium in the 20 minutes we had to spare before my daughter ran, my MIL was looking all over the car for her purse. My mom told me and my husband to go on and they would join us. They never did find her purse until we were unpacking the car and it was by the bag of goodies. Evidently she got her a little snack and laid her purse down to do so.
Overall, she did fine and again seemed to laugh a lot, play with the little kids, and stayed in the room with all of the people who came for Lauren & Landon's graduation party. In Austin, she sat out at the track meet and seemed to enjoy watching the high school kids run. At the hotel that night, she began to wind down and seemed to be tired. But even at that point, we found some humor in her routines. She took her suitcase, unpacked the clothes in it, repacked them, sat out a few different outfits for the next day, and zipped and unzipped the three suitcase zippers at least five times each. I was in the other room and could hear the zipper zip and unzip many times. I had to chuckle to myself because I could see her in my mind doing this without seeing her in action.
Life is good over the hill.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
It's a Good Day
Day 56: Yesterday my husband took his mom to get her hair done. This is one of the things I feel very strongly about! As a woman, no matter what is going on in life we still want to look good. It always amazes me that when she gets her hair done she just has a kick in her step!
I got home from work and complimented her on her hair. She beamed like a little kid. She smiled, patted her hair, and said thank you. All night she just seemed in a better mood. She sat up with us and watched the new season premiere of "The Hills" with her granddaughter. She offered to mend a new outfit that my daughter had ordered from Fossil online. The straps were too long and my MIL jumped up and said, "oh, that would be easy to fix----I can do that." My daughter grinned and said, "okay, good!" It's little things like this that I know make her feel good and like she has a place.
Later that night a friend of hers called my husband to say they were coming through town today on their way to New Mexico. They want to stop by and see her. We all agreed not to tell her but to surprise her today. I can't wait for her to see her dear high school friend.
Yesterday and today will be good days!
Life is good over the hill!
I got home from work and complimented her on her hair. She beamed like a little kid. She smiled, patted her hair, and said thank you. All night she just seemed in a better mood. She sat up with us and watched the new season premiere of "The Hills" with her granddaughter. She offered to mend a new outfit that my daughter had ordered from Fossil online. The straps were too long and my MIL jumped up and said, "oh, that would be easy to fix----I can do that." My daughter grinned and said, "okay, good!" It's little things like this that I know make her feel good and like she has a place.
Later that night a friend of hers called my husband to say they were coming through town today on their way to New Mexico. They want to stop by and see her. We all agreed not to tell her but to surprise her today. I can't wait for her to see her dear high school friend.
Yesterday and today will be good days!
Life is good over the hill!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Testing, maybe it will tell me if I'm Crazy
Day 54: Today was a significant day and a day we have worked to get to since 2006.
My MIL met with a neurologist for a full day of testing. The significance of this day is huge! In 2008, my husband accompanied my MIL to an appointment with a neurologist in Houston. An hour and 1/2 into the testing she refused to continue and wanted to leave. After much persuasion by the neurologist and my husband, she refused to answer any more questions telling them both that the test was stupid.
Therefore, the fact that she was able to complete a full day of testing today was quite a step in the right direction. She spent two hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon answering questions-- some easy and some very difficult according to the test administrator.
The doctor's office told my husband that he would have to attend and be prepared to answer questions during the intake. This was very difficult and you could tell it made my MIL very uncomfortable to hear the test administrator ask her questions and then ask us the same question----the answers were always very different. Halfway through the intake he would ask her a question and she would look to her son and ask him the question.
Towards the end of the intake you began to see a glimpse of a very sad and defeated woman. The administrator asked her three questions----what are your strengths? weaknesses? and goals. Her response to the strengths was, "I don't have any". Her response to weaknesses was, "I have many---I can't spell". Her answer to the last question was the saddest of all. It was a glimmer of how important something so simple as freedom is when life strips you of everything. She said, "my goal is to be able to live by myself and be able to take care of myself".
I sat there with tears in my eyes watching a woman I used to think of as extremely strong willed with tears rolling down her face. She wants so desperately to hang onto her independence and freedom even when she knows it is slipping away from her. A professional who used to control everything in her life realizing she can no longer control her memory loss, confusion, and the fact that dementia is robbing her of living a normal life.
Our pastor told my husband a few weeks ago that he was praying for us as we deal with this new chapter in our life. But, he said he would pray that God would do something amazing through this experience. Today I think I may have seen God's work firsthand. He is showing us the pain and fear that she feels and how we have to try to understand how difficult that is-----it's not about just about "where is she going to live" but more about how can we help her maintain her self-respect, dignity, and retain some sense of independence and freedom.
After today the Lord has opened my eyes, he is going to do something amazing for her as well as us. On the ride home she was asking when we would get the test results and she just hoped they would tell us to go ahead and put her in a nursing home or better yet Rusk. I asked her what Rusk was and she said it was an insane asylum (I don't even know if they have these anymore!). I tried to humor her and say now you still have a lot of life to live---for example, you have granddaughters that will get married and you want to be around for that! She mumbled something about it being better if she wasn't there. For in her eyes, her life is over.
We have an even bigger challenge ahead of us in convincing her that she can still have a full life and enjoy those around her. This is where God comes in-----he is going to do something amazing and we may be surprised to see what amazing miracle that he can pull off------God is GOOD!! Life is good over the hill.
My MIL met with a neurologist for a full day of testing. The significance of this day is huge! In 2008, my husband accompanied my MIL to an appointment with a neurologist in Houston. An hour and 1/2 into the testing she refused to continue and wanted to leave. After much persuasion by the neurologist and my husband, she refused to answer any more questions telling them both that the test was stupid.
Therefore, the fact that she was able to complete a full day of testing today was quite a step in the right direction. She spent two hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon answering questions-- some easy and some very difficult according to the test administrator.
The doctor's office told my husband that he would have to attend and be prepared to answer questions during the intake. This was very difficult and you could tell it made my MIL very uncomfortable to hear the test administrator ask her questions and then ask us the same question----the answers were always very different. Halfway through the intake he would ask her a question and she would look to her son and ask him the question.
Towards the end of the intake you began to see a glimpse of a very sad and defeated woman. The administrator asked her three questions----what are your strengths? weaknesses? and goals. Her response to the strengths was, "I don't have any". Her response to weaknesses was, "I have many---I can't spell". Her answer to the last question was the saddest of all. It was a glimmer of how important something so simple as freedom is when life strips you of everything. She said, "my goal is to be able to live by myself and be able to take care of myself".
I sat there with tears in my eyes watching a woman I used to think of as extremely strong willed with tears rolling down her face. She wants so desperately to hang onto her independence and freedom even when she knows it is slipping away from her. A professional who used to control everything in her life realizing she can no longer control her memory loss, confusion, and the fact that dementia is robbing her of living a normal life.
Our pastor told my husband a few weeks ago that he was praying for us as we deal with this new chapter in our life. But, he said he would pray that God would do something amazing through this experience. Today I think I may have seen God's work firsthand. He is showing us the pain and fear that she feels and how we have to try to understand how difficult that is-----it's not about just about "where is she going to live" but more about how can we help her maintain her self-respect, dignity, and retain some sense of independence and freedom.
After today the Lord has opened my eyes, he is going to do something amazing for her as well as us. On the ride home she was asking when we would get the test results and she just hoped they would tell us to go ahead and put her in a nursing home or better yet Rusk. I asked her what Rusk was and she said it was an insane asylum (I don't even know if they have these anymore!). I tried to humor her and say now you still have a lot of life to live---for example, you have granddaughters that will get married and you want to be around for that! She mumbled something about it being better if she wasn't there. For in her eyes, her life is over.
We have an even bigger challenge ahead of us in convincing her that she can still have a full life and enjoy those around her. This is where God comes in-----he is going to do something amazing and we may be surprised to see what amazing miracle that he can pull off------God is GOOD!! Life is good over the hill.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Life is a Bowl of Cheerios
Day 51: Before my MIL moved in the same town as we are, we were not aware of her living/eating habits. As her condition worsened she began to get confused about taking meds and would not remember to eat. This would always mean that we would get a call that she was in the hospital.
For the last 51 days I have not worried about whether or not she is eating. She is about to eat us out of house and home! Her appetite is very healthy and the better part of this is that she is eating much healthier because we are preparing her meals.
Hydration: This has been a very big deal. Several times when she got ill before and went to the doctor she was dehydrated. For the past 2 1/2 years while living in an assisted living facility, she has been dehydrated on more than one occasion. When you ask her if she is drinking water, she says I drink it everyday. When in fact she probably hasn't drank any water for a long period of time.
Headaches: As a result of intentionally getting her to drink water she has not complained of headaches nearly as much. As long as I have been in the family she has complained of headaches and I am convinced it was because she was dehydrated.
Milk: Another condition she suffers from is Osteoporosis. So, she thinks she should drink milk at every moment. I am the only one in my family who really drinks milk and that is usually for breakfast only. My husband and oldest daughter do not drink it at all and my youngest daughter is lactose intolerant. My MIL is drinking about two gallons of milk a week by HERSELF! Unbelievable!
We thought she was just drinking it but after a couple of days at home we watched her eat about 5 bowls of cereal a day. We couldn't figure out why we were running out of cereal so fast until we were sitting in the kitchen working on something and noticed that she was eating one bowl of cereal, left the room, and returned an hour later to fix another bowl. This went on several times----and she ate the whole bowl. Now, we know why we were going through two gallons of milk a week and several boxes of cereal a week!
Backache: This has been a very interesting observation. For several years when she lived alone she spent thousands of dollars on treatment for her back---from injections to "as seen on TV" gimmicks that were sure to heal her back. She saw several different doctors, had back surgery, and wanted another surgery for her back but the doctors refused to do it because "she was not a candidate for surgery". When she came to live at the assisted living facility, the back was always the source of "I can't do this or that because of my back" or numerous calls were made to my husband "needing something for her back". But, since she has been living with us she has not complained once about her back hurting. Occasionally she will say she is tired and want to lay down but she has been more active--getting out, walking, and moving around more than she was before.
Overall, her health seems to be improving and her outlook on life has definitely been more positive and much more like her old self.
For the last 51 days I have not worried about whether or not she is eating. She is about to eat us out of house and home! Her appetite is very healthy and the better part of this is that she is eating much healthier because we are preparing her meals.
Hydration: This has been a very big deal. Several times when she got ill before and went to the doctor she was dehydrated. For the past 2 1/2 years while living in an assisted living facility, she has been dehydrated on more than one occasion. When you ask her if she is drinking water, she says I drink it everyday. When in fact she probably hasn't drank any water for a long period of time.
Headaches: As a result of intentionally getting her to drink water she has not complained of headaches nearly as much. As long as I have been in the family she has complained of headaches and I am convinced it was because she was dehydrated.
Milk: Another condition she suffers from is Osteoporosis. So, she thinks she should drink milk at every moment. I am the only one in my family who really drinks milk and that is usually for breakfast only. My husband and oldest daughter do not drink it at all and my youngest daughter is lactose intolerant. My MIL is drinking about two gallons of milk a week by HERSELF! Unbelievable!
We thought she was just drinking it but after a couple of days at home we watched her eat about 5 bowls of cereal a day. We couldn't figure out why we were running out of cereal so fast until we were sitting in the kitchen working on something and noticed that she was eating one bowl of cereal, left the room, and returned an hour later to fix another bowl. This went on several times----and she ate the whole bowl. Now, we know why we were going through two gallons of milk a week and several boxes of cereal a week!
Backache: This has been a very interesting observation. For several years when she lived alone she spent thousands of dollars on treatment for her back---from injections to "as seen on TV" gimmicks that were sure to heal her back. She saw several different doctors, had back surgery, and wanted another surgery for her back but the doctors refused to do it because "she was not a candidate for surgery". When she came to live at the assisted living facility, the back was always the source of "I can't do this or that because of my back" or numerous calls were made to my husband "needing something for her back". But, since she has been living with us she has not complained once about her back hurting. Occasionally she will say she is tired and want to lay down but she has been more active--getting out, walking, and moving around more than she was before.
Overall, her health seems to be improving and her outlook on life has definitely been more positive and much more like her old self.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Gone in 60 Seconds
I think that is the name of a movie that I've seen but after this weekend it seems appropriate.
My weekend started off at 5:15pm when I walked into my kitchen to my husband trying to explain to his mom why she couldn't live alone anymore. For those who do not know her, she has a very strong will and in her younger years was very much an independent working woman for most of her life. Losing control is not something she would ever knowingly let happen. This has also been to her demise.
With her current state of mind, for all intense purposes, she has lost all control in so many different ways. Her finances were the first to go and is also a big part of judgment and decision making that is affected by person's diagnosed with FTD. My advice to anyone in this position is to step in and step in often.
Okay, back to the conversation I encountered. My husband was trying to explain to her the current state of her financial situation that has been deeply affected by her poor judgment when it came to managing her money. Here is one example of the conversation:
MIL, asking about her current finances.
My husband's response, "well, you purchased 37 wrinkle removal kits from as seen on TV----all of which remained unopened when we found them three years ago."
MIL, "I didn't buy those."
My husband's response, "well, mother, you may not have intended to buy 37 but with the disease doctor's have told us that it is very common for you to watch TV, see an ad, place an order, see the ad again in a few minutes, and order it again. You can't help it because you don't remember you just ordered it." Shame on the company for not catching it either and just taking her money!
This conversation continued in many different formats while we prepared dinner. We sat down to eat and about 15 minutes later we went in the living room to watch the news. Mind you, it has been no more than 15 minutes since my husband had his conversation with his mom. She turned and looked at my husband and said, "did you sell my house?" This topic had also been discussed and the questions flooded out again.
So many people have taken advantage of her from the lawn mowing guy taking a check written for $500 instead of $50 to her multiple purchases of items from "as seen on TV". These are the things that you can't begin to know about if you are eight hours away and your family member does a good job of hiding it. Not to mention the friends who create a co-dependent circle of cover up-----thinking they are helping. That is the topic for another blog on another day!
Day 47 and things are slowly "GONE IN 60 SECONDS"! Life is good over the hill!
My weekend started off at 5:15pm when I walked into my kitchen to my husband trying to explain to his mom why she couldn't live alone anymore. For those who do not know her, she has a very strong will and in her younger years was very much an independent working woman for most of her life. Losing control is not something she would ever knowingly let happen. This has also been to her demise.
With her current state of mind, for all intense purposes, she has lost all control in so many different ways. Her finances were the first to go and is also a big part of judgment and decision making that is affected by person's diagnosed with FTD. My advice to anyone in this position is to step in and step in often.
Okay, back to the conversation I encountered. My husband was trying to explain to her the current state of her financial situation that has been deeply affected by her poor judgment when it came to managing her money. Here is one example of the conversation:
MIL, asking about her current finances.
My husband's response, "well, you purchased 37 wrinkle removal kits from as seen on TV----all of which remained unopened when we found them three years ago."
MIL, "I didn't buy those."
My husband's response, "well, mother, you may not have intended to buy 37 but with the disease doctor's have told us that it is very common for you to watch TV, see an ad, place an order, see the ad again in a few minutes, and order it again. You can't help it because you don't remember you just ordered it." Shame on the company for not catching it either and just taking her money!
This conversation continued in many different formats while we prepared dinner. We sat down to eat and about 15 minutes later we went in the living room to watch the news. Mind you, it has been no more than 15 minutes since my husband had his conversation with his mom. She turned and looked at my husband and said, "did you sell my house?" This topic had also been discussed and the questions flooded out again.
So many people have taken advantage of her from the lawn mowing guy taking a check written for $500 instead of $50 to her multiple purchases of items from "as seen on TV". These are the things that you can't begin to know about if you are eight hours away and your family member does a good job of hiding it. Not to mention the friends who create a co-dependent circle of cover up-----thinking they are helping. That is the topic for another blog on another day!
Day 47 and things are slowly "GONE IN 60 SECONDS"! Life is good over the hill!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Containment----Getting on the Bus
The most difficult challenge in dealing with my MIL is the fact that this disease strikes so young. You look at her and physically she looks like every other 70 year old. So to those who encounter her they think she is an older woman who is physically still capable and nothing is wrong with her.
Off and on, my MIL will tell us that she needs to get back to Sugar Land to check on her house. (She hasn't owned her home in three years.) She told my husband that she had called the bus station and they had a bus that goes to Sugarland. She will do this over and over. We are afraid that she will call the taxi company to come get her---which she has tried.
When she lived in the retirement home, she convinced other residents who had a car that she needed to go to Sugarland to check on her house and would pay them for their gas if they would take her. After a while the residents realized that something wasn't right but at first they thought she had all her wits about her.
It is another coping mechanism---she doesn't want anyone to know that there is something wrong with her and feels if she can isolate herself or return to a place where she is "safe" that no one will know she is declining.
Off and on, my MIL will tell us that she needs to get back to Sugar Land to check on her house. (She hasn't owned her home in three years.) She told my husband that she had called the bus station and they had a bus that goes to Sugarland. She will do this over and over. We are afraid that she will call the taxi company to come get her---which she has tried.
When she lived in the retirement home, she convinced other residents who had a car that she needed to go to Sugarland to check on her house and would pay them for their gas if they would take her. After a while the residents realized that something wasn't right but at first they thought she had all her wits about her.
It is another coping mechanism---she doesn't want anyone to know that there is something wrong with her and feels if she can isolate herself or return to a place where she is "safe" that no one will know she is declining.
Time
Day 42: 42 days and 42 nights.
Time for the last 42 days has been an interesting element to the day in the life of. My MIL obviously has no concept of time or what day it is so here are some observations in the last few days:
1. Work days- she knows when it is a work day because my husband and I get up, get dressed, and leave for work.
2. Weekends- she knows its a weekend because my husband and I get up, clean house, but don't leave. She always wants to know if it is church day.
3. School days- if my teenage daughter is still in bed she knows its the weekend; if she is gone during the day she knows it is a school day.
4. Time- she wears a watch everyday and looks at it all day long. She will eat breakfast first thing in the morning, eat a bowl of cereal again at 10am, eat lunch when someone is eating, and eat dinner when we eat but most meals are accompanied by, "oh, I'm not hungry or oh, I just ate" and then she will eat anyway.
5. Meal Time- last night my husband, my MIL, and I sat at the kitchen table and ate hamburgers we fixed on
the grill. My MIL sat across from my husband and watched him eat. He finished his hamburger got up from the table and went to the island to eat one of the hamburger patties that was left. My MIL said, "David, aren't your going to eat?" He said he had eaten and was going to eat the last pattie by itself with ketchup. As he was sitting back down at the table, she said, "Is that all you are going to eat?" She did not remember him eating or asking him about eating. This took place within about 30 seconds.
6. Home from Work- two days ago I came home to my MIL sitting in the living room watching TV. She asked how my day was at work and I responded fine. I went on into my bedroom to change clothes and returned to the kitchen to begin supper. My husband was outside and she had gone outside with him. When she returned she came back into the kitchen and as if she hadn't seen me said, "Oh, how was your day at work?"
Time has left her in regards to knowing what time it is and what you do when but she has learned to pay attention to what others are doing and that is her cue. Last night she asked out of the blue, "what day is it?"
I can't imagine what that must feel like. I am driven by schedules, deadlines, events that are coming up, calendars, and such that I can't imagine how lost she must feel going through the day not knowing if it is Fall, Spring, late or early in the day. I know we all look forward to the day when we can retire and do whatever we want to do when but won't we still be bound by TIME. In the world of a person with FTD, Time is irrelevant but routines for her and others around her can be very important.
Time for the last 42 days has been an interesting element to the day in the life of. My MIL obviously has no concept of time or what day it is so here are some observations in the last few days:
1. Work days- she knows when it is a work day because my husband and I get up, get dressed, and leave for work.
2. Weekends- she knows its a weekend because my husband and I get up, clean house, but don't leave. She always wants to know if it is church day.
3. School days- if my teenage daughter is still in bed she knows its the weekend; if she is gone during the day she knows it is a school day.
4. Time- she wears a watch everyday and looks at it all day long. She will eat breakfast first thing in the morning, eat a bowl of cereal again at 10am, eat lunch when someone is eating, and eat dinner when we eat but most meals are accompanied by, "oh, I'm not hungry or oh, I just ate" and then she will eat anyway.
5. Meal Time- last night my husband, my MIL, and I sat at the kitchen table and ate hamburgers we fixed on
the grill. My MIL sat across from my husband and watched him eat. He finished his hamburger got up from the table and went to the island to eat one of the hamburger patties that was left. My MIL said, "David, aren't your going to eat?" He said he had eaten and was going to eat the last pattie by itself with ketchup. As he was sitting back down at the table, she said, "Is that all you are going to eat?" She did not remember him eating or asking him about eating. This took place within about 30 seconds.
6. Home from Work- two days ago I came home to my MIL sitting in the living room watching TV. She asked how my day was at work and I responded fine. I went on into my bedroom to change clothes and returned to the kitchen to begin supper. My husband was outside and she had gone outside with him. When she returned she came back into the kitchen and as if she hadn't seen me said, "Oh, how was your day at work?"
Time has left her in regards to knowing what time it is and what you do when but she has learned to pay attention to what others are doing and that is her cue. Last night she asked out of the blue, "what day is it?"
I can't imagine what that must feel like. I am driven by schedules, deadlines, events that are coming up, calendars, and such that I can't imagine how lost she must feel going through the day not knowing if it is Fall, Spring, late or early in the day. I know we all look forward to the day when we can retire and do whatever we want to do when but won't we still be bound by TIME. In the world of a person with FTD, Time is irrelevant but routines for her and others around her can be very important.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Dressed to the Nines
Day 32-Well we survived getting everyone ready for Easter service. My husband and I left for Sunday school and left the girls to get their grandmother ready for church. When we left she was pacing back and forth from the bathroom to her bedroom trying to get her bath and decide if she had clothes to wear -----because it is Sunday isn't it?
My husband and I were sitting in church waiting for them to get there. I looked up and saw my oldest daughter and her grandmother right behind her. It was great---she had on her new outfit and looked very stylish. She was smiling behind her big black sunglasses and seemed to be thrilled she was in the company of her two granddaughters. The only hiccup the girls had in getting her ready was getting her to button up her jacket---she wouldn't though. We decided she was worried about her "hump" showing so if it was unbuttoned she felt better.
For the first time in a while, she seemed very comfortable at church. The last time she attended with us she slept or at least nodded off and seemed very antsy. Today she took communion whereas the last time she said her back hurt too much for her to stand up. She sang and said the Lord's prayer ---quite loudly at one point that my daughter got a little tickled.
It was a good day. Quality of life can be obtained even when you have FTD.
My husband and I were sitting in church waiting for them to get there. I looked up and saw my oldest daughter and her grandmother right behind her. It was great---she had on her new outfit and looked very stylish. She was smiling behind her big black sunglasses and seemed to be thrilled she was in the company of her two granddaughters. The only hiccup the girls had in getting her ready was getting her to button up her jacket---she wouldn't though. We decided she was worried about her "hump" showing so if it was unbuttoned she felt better.
For the first time in a while, she seemed very comfortable at church. The last time she attended with us she slept or at least nodded off and seemed very antsy. Today she took communion whereas the last time she said her back hurt too much for her to stand up. She sang and said the Lord's prayer ---quite loudly at one point that my daughter got a little tickled.
It was a good day. Quality of life can be obtained even when you have FTD.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Easter Bunny is Coming
Yesterday we took my MIL shopping for a new Easter outfit. Wow, it has been a while since I took my 18 & 22 year old shopping for an Easter dress----they have finally reached the age where they prefer shopping on their own. Now, please keep in mind that I am not a big shopper myself so shopping is a chore just about anyway you slice or dice it for me!
It took two hours to convince my MIL that we were going to look for her something to wear and buy some new shoes. She kept coming downstairs asking if there was anything that she could do (I was mopping the kitchen floor) and I said no, just go get your bath and get ready. Where are we going, she asked? I would explain it again. Her response, I don't need anything surely I have some clothes at home I can wear. Then you explain that she probably needs something new and off she would go. Back upstairs to wonder around back and forth from her bedroom to the bathroom. A few minutes later her she came back downstairs again to see if there was anything she could do. This went on for about two hours.
By the time we were ready to go she hadn't even taken a bath. My husband went to check on her and told her she needed to get ready. We never really know for sure what she does when she is in the bathroom but we can see signs of hygiene---deodorant, toothbrush wet, etc.
Off to The Mall---what an experience. We went to Dillards, The Shoe Department, Bealls, and J.C.Penneys to look for her something to wear. We were lucky that the first store we went to we found something that fit and looked good on her. She was very anxious about buying and kept asking why she needed that because she probably had something at home she could wear. So, one task down and one to go.
Shoes----oh, my ,oh, my!! This was very difficult. I knew she always had trouble finding shoes narrow enough for her to wear but I didn't realize that most of the stores now only carry medium widths and don't even carry many narrow sizes. This really upset her when every store we went into told us they didn't carry narrows. After getting quite frustrated she said well I will just wear the shoes I have on. We would say, no, we will find you some that are black; she would say, these are black, we would say, no, they are blue; she would say, but the sales guy sold them to me black; no response. Then she would say, I will just polish them black and wear them. This went on over and over and over. We did find a pair at Dillards that were black and did fit her---probably not to her standard but they looked good and were new. Making a decision and eliminating choices was very challenging at best for her.
But when we got home she did seem excited to have a new outfit. It's one thing to have dementia and not really know what is going on at all times but it is quite another thing to still have some pride and human dignity---this is for sure for a person who always cared very much about how she looked. It was a long adventure but it was worth it.
It took two hours to convince my MIL that we were going to look for her something to wear and buy some new shoes. She kept coming downstairs asking if there was anything that she could do (I was mopping the kitchen floor) and I said no, just go get your bath and get ready. Where are we going, she asked? I would explain it again. Her response, I don't need anything surely I have some clothes at home I can wear. Then you explain that she probably needs something new and off she would go. Back upstairs to wonder around back and forth from her bedroom to the bathroom. A few minutes later her she came back downstairs again to see if there was anything she could do. This went on for about two hours.
By the time we were ready to go she hadn't even taken a bath. My husband went to check on her and told her she needed to get ready. We never really know for sure what she does when she is in the bathroom but we can see signs of hygiene---deodorant, toothbrush wet, etc.
Off to The Mall---what an experience. We went to Dillards, The Shoe Department, Bealls, and J.C.Penneys to look for her something to wear. We were lucky that the first store we went to we found something that fit and looked good on her. She was very anxious about buying and kept asking why she needed that because she probably had something at home she could wear. So, one task down and one to go.
Shoes----oh, my ,oh, my!! This was very difficult. I knew she always had trouble finding shoes narrow enough for her to wear but I didn't realize that most of the stores now only carry medium widths and don't even carry many narrow sizes. This really upset her when every store we went into told us they didn't carry narrows. After getting quite frustrated she said well I will just wear the shoes I have on. We would say, no, we will find you some that are black; she would say, these are black, we would say, no, they are blue; she would say, but the sales guy sold them to me black; no response. Then she would say, I will just polish them black and wear them. This went on over and over and over. We did find a pair at Dillards that were black and did fit her---probably not to her standard but they looked good and were new. Making a decision and eliminating choices was very challenging at best for her.
But when we got home she did seem excited to have a new outfit. It's one thing to have dementia and not really know what is going on at all times but it is quite another thing to still have some pride and human dignity---this is for sure for a person who always cared very much about how she looked. It was a long adventure but it was worth it.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
April Fools---Really?
I have never really understood the real reason for having April Fools Day. In my forty-eight years on earth I have "celebrated" April Fools Day one time. I exploited my then 5 and 9 year old daughters into calling their grandparents to tell them they were home alone and didn't know where their parents were! Of course, they came running over, luckily just a five minute drive, and we April Fooled them! Fortunately they had a good sense of humor and were glad to come over and visit and to see their granddaughters.
But I have been April Fooled now two years----momentous days---April 1, 2007 and now April 1, 2010. I won't go into a lot of detail but I know that God has his hands on our life and I have to trust that. Both of these days signified a substantial change in our family, our finances, and our future----three "F's" every three years. We all know what has been going on with Obamacare and having a husband who works in the medical industry we all know that eventually your livelihood is affected. As an academician, it is hard for me to always understand how hard some of these recent changes in health-care are affecting many industries. Once again, my husband finds himself being laid-off due to the changes going on in that industry.
As someone who always sees the glass half full, I know that you can always take something bad and find something good and I will hold on to that. As for my husband, I know he will take this and turn it into something positive as well. What's different----the added stress-or of the MIL and I know that will weigh heavy on his mind and his heart as he makes decisions about his/our future. Let me give you my definition of the Sandwich Generation for today: Feels like a Panini, we (parents)are stuck between two pieces of bread (children & MIL) smushed between the sandwich maker; open it up and see the burned spots and lines running through the bread. Gives our sandwich character, right? Still tastes good doesn't it.
There are so many questions you find yourself asking God during tough times. The usual why me, why us, are we being punished, the typical whoa is me but that will only get you so far down the road. Today the Air One scripture is,"Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins!" Isaiah 53:4, NLT
When I read that this morning, I knew that scripture was for us----even we thought Jesus was being punished for being nailed on the cross but it was SOOO much bigger than that and punishment had nothing to do with it----thank goodness.
April Fools----really? I know I'm not a fool because I have a God who loves me unconditionally and as his scripture says, Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:25-27
But I have been April Fooled now two years----momentous days---April 1, 2007 and now April 1, 2010. I won't go into a lot of detail but I know that God has his hands on our life and I have to trust that. Both of these days signified a substantial change in our family, our finances, and our future----three "F's" every three years. We all know what has been going on with Obamacare and having a husband who works in the medical industry we all know that eventually your livelihood is affected. As an academician, it is hard for me to always understand how hard some of these recent changes in health-care are affecting many industries. Once again, my husband finds himself being laid-off due to the changes going on in that industry.
As someone who always sees the glass half full, I know that you can always take something bad and find something good and I will hold on to that. As for my husband, I know he will take this and turn it into something positive as well. What's different----the added stress-or of the MIL and I know that will weigh heavy on his mind and his heart as he makes decisions about his/our future. Let me give you my definition of the Sandwich Generation for today: Feels like a Panini, we (parents)are stuck between two pieces of bread (children & MIL) smushed between the sandwich maker; open it up and see the burned spots and lines running through the bread. Gives our sandwich character, right? Still tastes good doesn't it.
There are so many questions you find yourself asking God during tough times. The usual why me, why us, are we being punished, the typical whoa is me but that will only get you so far down the road. Today the Air One scripture is,"Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins!" Isaiah 53:4, NLT
When I read that this morning, I knew that scripture was for us----even we thought Jesus was being punished for being nailed on the cross but it was SOOO much bigger than that and punishment had nothing to do with it----thank goodness.
April Fools----really? I know I'm not a fool because I have a God who loves me unconditionally and as his scripture says, Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:25-27
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Day 28- Two-Stepping
It has been twenty-eight days since we moved my MIL into our home. It has been up and down for most of those days. Some of the "ups" have been spending time with her and seeing with our own eyes what this disease has done to her. The good news is that she has physically been able to do the things that most people her age could do----she has gone to track meets to watch her granddaughter run, has walked with her family, gone shopping, had family dinners and watched movies, and seems to be more like her old self than when we saw her three years ago in the hospital because she had taken her medicines wrong and we almost lost her.
The downs---well, the downs are there too. This is the hard part. With a disease like FTD or alzheimers you don't always know where your loved one is in regards to the stages and what level of care they need. This has been our challenge. Doctors have told us she needs assisted living; assisted living centers tell us she needs more help and move her to the side with more "assistance"; then you see that becoming a challenge so getting to observe first hand has been very helpful as we decide what is the next step in her level of care.
The first few weeks was very challenging for our entire family and my MIL. She reverted back to the times she came to our home to visit. In her mind she was there for a weekend stay and by the second or third day she kept asking where her car was because it was time to go back home. Where she slept was very difficult, she would go to the bathroom at night and end up sleeping in my oldest daughters room---she is away at college. Each night we would explain to her where she slept---a room specifically set up for her. Each morning she would come out of my daughters room. It's just been in the last two weeks that she is now sleeping in her room.
Dogs, dogs, and more dogs. In her previous life, she loved dogs and always had at least two or three living in her home. We have one dachshund and my daughter has two dachshunds that are with her at college. When my daughter came home for spring break she brought her two dogs. It really confused my MIL and she kept asking us whose dog is this or where did this dog come from. But she really enjoyed holding Gunner, the puppy, and it seemed to be an escape for her not to have to worry that the dog knew something was wrong with her.
I mentioned in the title of this blog "two-stepping" because as my husband said we have to stay two steps ahead of her because she doesn't know what she does. We have had to modify our home by changing thermostats so she can't move it up or down and leave it running----she did this one day and moved it to 90 degrees--it was so hot in the house that it burned your eyes when you walked in. We turn the gas off to the stove everyday because she two burners on and left them on until my daughter came home and found it---she was doing this in her own home. We have turned the water off to the washing machine because she obsesses about washing clothes. It would be a great help but she doesn't put laundry detergent in or washing things that don't go together, etc.
The hardest part in this whole journey is watching my husband. He is so sad that he has to see his mom like this. Every day is a reminder of how quickly the disease is taking over and that he will never really have a relationship with his mom like he used to. He goes through cycles similar to those that a manic depressive person goes through---manic when with have our "up" days and his mom is "normal" and depressive when we have our "down" days and he is trying to stay two steps in front of his mom.
Where we go from here is still to be determined. We have noticed triggers that seem to send her off in bouts of resistance where she wants to run. Anytime she talks to someone she seems to be reminded of the little things that she doesn't know or can't remember from her past. Her stunning question to my husband after a day of trying to talk to her about her condition was, does everyone know that I am like this? How can you answer that question without feeling horrible!! We have gone from honesty is the best policy to act like nothing is wrong because she won't remember what you talk about anyway.
Life is good..........challenging....but good.
The downs---well, the downs are there too. This is the hard part. With a disease like FTD or alzheimers you don't always know where your loved one is in regards to the stages and what level of care they need. This has been our challenge. Doctors have told us she needs assisted living; assisted living centers tell us she needs more help and move her to the side with more "assistance"; then you see that becoming a challenge so getting to observe first hand has been very helpful as we decide what is the next step in her level of care.
The first few weeks was very challenging for our entire family and my MIL. She reverted back to the times she came to our home to visit. In her mind she was there for a weekend stay and by the second or third day she kept asking where her car was because it was time to go back home. Where she slept was very difficult, she would go to the bathroom at night and end up sleeping in my oldest daughters room---she is away at college. Each night we would explain to her where she slept---a room specifically set up for her. Each morning she would come out of my daughters room. It's just been in the last two weeks that she is now sleeping in her room.
Dogs, dogs, and more dogs. In her previous life, she loved dogs and always had at least two or three living in her home. We have one dachshund and my daughter has two dachshunds that are with her at college. When my daughter came home for spring break she brought her two dogs. It really confused my MIL and she kept asking us whose dog is this or where did this dog come from. But she really enjoyed holding Gunner, the puppy, and it seemed to be an escape for her not to have to worry that the dog knew something was wrong with her.
I mentioned in the title of this blog "two-stepping" because as my husband said we have to stay two steps ahead of her because she doesn't know what she does. We have had to modify our home by changing thermostats so she can't move it up or down and leave it running----she did this one day and moved it to 90 degrees--it was so hot in the house that it burned your eyes when you walked in. We turn the gas off to the stove everyday because she two burners on and left them on until my daughter came home and found it---she was doing this in her own home. We have turned the water off to the washing machine because she obsesses about washing clothes. It would be a great help but she doesn't put laundry detergent in or washing things that don't go together, etc.
The hardest part in this whole journey is watching my husband. He is so sad that he has to see his mom like this. Every day is a reminder of how quickly the disease is taking over and that he will never really have a relationship with his mom like he used to. He goes through cycles similar to those that a manic depressive person goes through---manic when with have our "up" days and his mom is "normal" and depressive when we have our "down" days and he is trying to stay two steps in front of his mom.
Where we go from here is still to be determined. We have noticed triggers that seem to send her off in bouts of resistance where she wants to run. Anytime she talks to someone she seems to be reminded of the little things that she doesn't know or can't remember from her past. Her stunning question to my husband after a day of trying to talk to her about her condition was, does everyone know that I am like this? How can you answer that question without feeling horrible!! We have gone from honesty is the best policy to act like nothing is wrong because she won't remember what you talk about anyway.
Life is good..........challenging....but good.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day 8; Finding Meaning & Purpose
In Viktor Frankel's 1946 book Man's Search for Meaning he chronicles his experiences as a concentration camp inmate and describes his psychotherapeutic method of finding a reason to live.
After eight days of 24 hour care for my mother-in-law, I have drawn the conclusion that there are many similarities to Viktor Frankel's experience and what my MIL must feel. She is searching to find meaning and purpose in a life that can no longer afford her the freedom of decision making and socialization that she once loved. With the state of her current mental capacity the daily living dilemmas about what to wear, putting on make-up, and bathing are difficult tasks that require concentration and supervision by others to keep her on task.
As a former career counselor, I understand how working impacts so many aspects of our well being, self esteem, and feelings of self worth. Finding something we love to do and are good at gives us purpose and meaning in life. For my MIL, she wants purpose and meaning but is limited in her ability to do certain things that once were very easy for her. Therefore, we look for things each day to give her to "do". Her lack of having things to do as we saw when she was in the assisted living facility definitely played a role in her not so positive outlook on life.
In the last eight days of staying in our home, we have seen her exhibit a much improved outlook on life. She walked with us on an indoor track, has attended a 2nd grade school program, attended her granddaughters track meet,pulled weeds in the yard (definitely did not ask her to do this!), offers repeatedly to clean, wash dishes, and do laundry. These little things have given her purpose in a life that was lacking meaning and purpose.
It has been fun to watch her look "forward" to things she had once given up on ever enjoying again. But, I am running out of things to give her to do!
Thus the question, could she volunteer or help others to get her out of the house in a safe environment and by giving back she would experience a boost to her self worth? We'll see.
After eight days of 24 hour care for my mother-in-law, I have drawn the conclusion that there are many similarities to Viktor Frankel's experience and what my MIL must feel. She is searching to find meaning and purpose in a life that can no longer afford her the freedom of decision making and socialization that she once loved. With the state of her current mental capacity the daily living dilemmas about what to wear, putting on make-up, and bathing are difficult tasks that require concentration and supervision by others to keep her on task.
As a former career counselor, I understand how working impacts so many aspects of our well being, self esteem, and feelings of self worth. Finding something we love to do and are good at gives us purpose and meaning in life. For my MIL, she wants purpose and meaning but is limited in her ability to do certain things that once were very easy for her. Therefore, we look for things each day to give her to "do". Her lack of having things to do as we saw when she was in the assisted living facility definitely played a role in her not so positive outlook on life.
In the last eight days of staying in our home, we have seen her exhibit a much improved outlook on life. She walked with us on an indoor track, has attended a 2nd grade school program, attended her granddaughters track meet,pulled weeds in the yard (definitely did not ask her to do this!), offers repeatedly to clean, wash dishes, and do laundry. These little things have given her purpose in a life that was lacking meaning and purpose.
It has been fun to watch her look "forward" to things she had once given up on ever enjoying again. But, I am running out of things to give her to do!
Thus the question, could she volunteer or help others to get her out of the house in a safe environment and by giving back she would experience a boost to her self worth? We'll see.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Do you need me to do anything today?
Yesterday, I think I mentioned the test for the day was to see if my mother-in-law could follow directions/remember the directions if we left it for her in writing. Well, I am happy to report that she dusted the wood blinds for me and they looked great. She even took all the clothes laying in the floor of my 18 year old daughters room and washed them---some of which were clean but hadn't been put up. That's okay she feels she has purpose and can help out!
Last night we went to a school program for the 8 year old that my daughter baby-sits. My mother-in-law went with us and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the singing and dancing by the kids.
She did get a little anxious about getting ready and kept asking my daughter what to wear. I know these decisions are very ominous for her but she did great---she picked out a black casual valour pants & top and had on a pair of black shoes with hose. Then she got a little anxious one other time when she & I sat down but because it was so crowded my husband and daughter stood up. She worried about them not sitting down several different times throughout the program.
I have been pleasantly surprised that she can still be very active physically and with guidance she can still accomplish tasks if she has prompts.
The phrase for the day: Do you need me to do anything today? She asks every morning to leave her some things to do so she won't be bored----she asks to iron, do laundry, mend any clothes, etc. Today we asked that she rest!
Last night we went to a school program for the 8 year old that my daughter baby-sits. My mother-in-law went with us and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the singing and dancing by the kids.
She did get a little anxious about getting ready and kept asking my daughter what to wear. I know these decisions are very ominous for her but she did great---she picked out a black casual valour pants & top and had on a pair of black shoes with hose. Then she got a little anxious one other time when she & I sat down but because it was so crowded my husband and daughter stood up. She worried about them not sitting down several different times throughout the program.
I have been pleasantly surprised that she can still be very active physically and with guidance she can still accomplish tasks if she has prompts.
The phrase for the day: Do you need me to do anything today? She asks every morning to leave her some things to do so she won't be bored----she asks to iron, do laundry, mend any clothes, etc. Today we asked that she rest!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Dude, Where's My Car?
Well, I haven't posted anything in a while. Not a whole lot of new information other than on March 3, 2010 we moved my mother-in-law into our home. As I mentioned before, she was diagnosed two years ago with Frontotemporal Dementia. According to the Mayo Clinic, it is defined as:
Frontotemporal dementia (frontotemporal lobar degeneration) is an umbrella term for a diverse group of uncommon disorders that primarily affect the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain — the areas generally associated with personality, behavior and language.
In frontal temporal dementia, portions of these lobes atrophy, or shrink. Signs and symptoms vary, depending upon the portion of the brain affected. Some people with frontotemporal dementia undergo dramatic changes in their personality and become socially inappropriate, impulsive or emotionally blunted, while others lose the ability to use and understand language.
Frontotemporal dementia is often misdiagnosed as a psychiatric problem or as Alzheimer's disease. But frontotemporal dementia tends to occur at a younger age than does Alzheimer's disease, typically between the ages of 40 and 70.
She has probably suffered from this disease since she was in her 50's but her symptoms were mistaken for early signs of Alzheimer's which her mother had. Had someone only known!
As I mentioned, she moved into our home last week and the challenges are many. But, the good side of all of this is that it allows us to really get a feel for her condition. The difficult part of the disease is that you have a person who physically can do many things but mentally can not remember things from one second to the next.
Today we will test her ability to follow directions if you write it down for her. She wants to help around the house which she is still capable of doing but because she can't remember directions verbally we thought we would write it down for her and see if she can complete the task. One task she has mastered is taking clothes out of the dryer and folding them. It is reminiscent of Pavlov's classical conditioning experiment where you ring a bell and the dog knows its time to eat. In this situation the dryer buzzer goes off and she knows she needs to get the clothes out and fold them.
But the one challenge we have not mastered yet is how to deal with her obsession wth her car. She continually asks where her car is......thus, the question of the day is....."Dude, where's my car?"
Frontotemporal dementia (frontotemporal lobar degeneration) is an umbrella term for a diverse group of uncommon disorders that primarily affect the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain — the areas generally associated with personality, behavior and language.
In frontal temporal dementia, portions of these lobes atrophy, or shrink. Signs and symptoms vary, depending upon the portion of the brain affected. Some people with frontotemporal dementia undergo dramatic changes in their personality and become socially inappropriate, impulsive or emotionally blunted, while others lose the ability to use and understand language.
Frontotemporal dementia is often misdiagnosed as a psychiatric problem or as Alzheimer's disease. But frontotemporal dementia tends to occur at a younger age than does Alzheimer's disease, typically between the ages of 40 and 70.
She has probably suffered from this disease since she was in her 50's but her symptoms were mistaken for early signs of Alzheimer's which her mother had. Had someone only known!
As I mentioned, she moved into our home last week and the challenges are many. But, the good side of all of this is that it allows us to really get a feel for her condition. The difficult part of the disease is that you have a person who physically can do many things but mentally can not remember things from one second to the next.
Today we will test her ability to follow directions if you write it down for her. She wants to help around the house which she is still capable of doing but because she can't remember directions verbally we thought we would write it down for her and see if she can complete the task. One task she has mastered is taking clothes out of the dryer and folding them. It is reminiscent of Pavlov's classical conditioning experiment where you ring a bell and the dog knows its time to eat. In this situation the dryer buzzer goes off and she knows she needs to get the clothes out and fold them.
But the one challenge we have not mastered yet is how to deal with her obsession wth her car. She continually asks where her car is......thus, the question of the day is....."Dude, where's my car?"
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Where is your Christmas Tree?
Well, after two weeks off I am back at work! It feels good to get back into a routine again---you can only lay around, eat unlimited sweets, and watch movies until you get your fill of that!
Some of the highlights of our two week holiday:
1. My niece got engaged.
2. We had a white Christmas----first time in our fair town since 1929!
3. It snowed twice during the break.
4. Santa was very good!
5. We rang in the new year with some old friends and family---great fun!
6. My husband and I got to spend some quiet time in a deer blind---very romantic! But the quiet time you have sitting in a deer stand with very specific instructions not to move or make any sounds can be a very relaxing experience!
7. Santa brought me a gift certificate for a massage---my favorite!!
A humorous conversation that we had with my mother-in-law; remember, she has Frontal Temporal Dementia so changing her routine can cause a little bit of anxiety for her:
Question: Where is your Christmas tree?
Response: I took it down.
Question: Where is it?
Response: I don't know.
Question: Where are your decorations for the tree?
Response: In that box-----in the box are decorations from someone else's tree.
We looked for two days for her missing tree and ornaments and tried to find the rightful owner of the multi-colored ornaments and tinsel that were in the mysterious box by her front door to no avail. Where did they go?
Life is good over the hill..........
Some of the highlights of our two week holiday:
1. My niece got engaged.
2. We had a white Christmas----first time in our fair town since 1929!
3. It snowed twice during the break.
4. Santa was very good!
5. We rang in the new year with some old friends and family---great fun!
6. My husband and I got to spend some quiet time in a deer blind---very romantic! But the quiet time you have sitting in a deer stand with very specific instructions not to move or make any sounds can be a very relaxing experience!
7. Santa brought me a gift certificate for a massage---my favorite!!
A humorous conversation that we had with my mother-in-law; remember, she has Frontal Temporal Dementia so changing her routine can cause a little bit of anxiety for her:
Question: Where is your Christmas tree?
Response: I took it down.
Question: Where is it?
Response: I don't know.
Question: Where are your decorations for the tree?
Response: In that box-----in the box are decorations from someone else's tree.
We looked for two days for her missing tree and ornaments and tried to find the rightful owner of the multi-colored ornaments and tinsel that were in the mysterious box by her front door to no avail. Where did they go?
Life is good over the hill..........
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)