Day 54: Today was a significant day and a day we have worked to get to since 2006.
My MIL met with a neurologist for a full day of testing. The significance of this day is huge! In 2008, my husband accompanied my MIL to an appointment with a neurologist in Houston. An hour and 1/2 into the testing she refused to continue and wanted to leave. After much persuasion by the neurologist and my husband, she refused to answer any more questions telling them both that the test was stupid.
Therefore, the fact that she was able to complete a full day of testing today was quite a step in the right direction. She spent two hours in the morning and three hours in the afternoon answering questions-- some easy and some very difficult according to the test administrator.
The doctor's office told my husband that he would have to attend and be prepared to answer questions during the intake. This was very difficult and you could tell it made my MIL very uncomfortable to hear the test administrator ask her questions and then ask us the same question----the answers were always very different. Halfway through the intake he would ask her a question and she would look to her son and ask him the question.
Towards the end of the intake you began to see a glimpse of a very sad and defeated woman. The administrator asked her three questions----what are your strengths? weaknesses? and goals. Her response to the strengths was, "I don't have any". Her response to weaknesses was, "I have many---I can't spell". Her answer to the last question was the saddest of all. It was a glimmer of how important something so simple as freedom is when life strips you of everything. She said, "my goal is to be able to live by myself and be able to take care of myself".
I sat there with tears in my eyes watching a woman I used to think of as extremely strong willed with tears rolling down her face. She wants so desperately to hang onto her independence and freedom even when she knows it is slipping away from her. A professional who used to control everything in her life realizing she can no longer control her memory loss, confusion, and the fact that dementia is robbing her of living a normal life.
Our pastor told my husband a few weeks ago that he was praying for us as we deal with this new chapter in our life. But, he said he would pray that God would do something amazing through this experience. Today I think I may have seen God's work firsthand. He is showing us the pain and fear that she feels and how we have to try to understand how difficult that is-----it's not about just about "where is she going to live" but more about how can we help her maintain her self-respect, dignity, and retain some sense of independence and freedom.
After today the Lord has opened my eyes, he is going to do something amazing for her as well as us. On the ride home she was asking when we would get the test results and she just hoped they would tell us to go ahead and put her in a nursing home or better yet Rusk. I asked her what Rusk was and she said it was an insane asylum (I don't even know if they have these anymore!). I tried to humor her and say now you still have a lot of life to live---for example, you have granddaughters that will get married and you want to be around for that! She mumbled something about it being better if she wasn't there. For in her eyes, her life is over.
We have an even bigger challenge ahead of us in convincing her that she can still have a full life and enjoy those around her. This is where God comes in-----he is going to do something amazing and we may be surprised to see what amazing miracle that he can pull off------God is GOOD!! Life is good over the hill.
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