I guess since it has been so long since I "blogged" that I need to make up for lost time! The title for this blog sums up some feelings I have harbored since we moved my MIL from her home in south Texas three years ago. As the wife to an only child, you just don't realize the amount of responsibility and burden it creates when your parent or parents have not prepared for their own future. Throw on top of that a horrible disease like Alzheimer's where your parent is unable to care for them self but is physically in a position to make you second guess the type of living assistance needed.
But the most incredible part of this journey has been the insensitivity of the very people who claim to be friends and family. Everyone thinks they know what is best for my MIL and of course, none of them know the daily struggles that she has in just her daily living. If she would have continued living alone, she would have died and almost did three times when she was hospitalized for taking her medication wrong.
She had learned to compensate for her memory challenges by doing little things to keep people from finding out. Even the neurologist that first saw her said, "she is a smart one; she has created many defense mechanisms to hide the symptoms of her disease." She even admitted recently that she had hoped to die in the bedroom of her home and that no one would know what was wrong with her. But the neurologist she is seeing now told her, "you can still have a wonderful quality of life even though you can't remember little things along the way".
My husband and I never dreamed that we would be in the situation we are in right now and believe me, I would not wish this on anyone. But, as my new philosophy on life states: IT IS WHAT IT IS----GET OVER IT AND ENJOY LIFE!
I just hope that the people that are sitting around talking about how awful it is that she is living with us would walk one day in our shoes. Try to understand the difficulty of the disease and the difficult task the caregiver has in keeping her safe while maintaining a "normal" life. Institutionalization isn't always the right option for care.
It is not a journey any of us choose to take but it is a journey and we will find the meaning in this journey.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Day 240: 8 Months & a Wedding
Wow! I can't believe it has been eight months since my MIL moved in with us. It has been an incredible journey of self-actualization for her and an eye-opening experience for our family. We know see this woman in such a different way.
Since my last blog, my oldest daughter got married and my MIL never knew what was going on. We started planning the wedding in May and had the wedding in October. I guess that would explain why I haven't had time to sit down and share my thoughts.
Here a few examples of where my MIL is almost a year later with her decline in memory:
Engagement Announcement- this went out in June and she was able to read it. She couldn't understand why her parents weren't listed and got very upset. She thought the announcement was for my husband and I.
Bridal Shower- my MIL has always been very materialistic and thinks you show your love for someone by how much money you can give them. Anyway, she got so flustered the day before the shower and kept asking my husband who was getting married and did she get my daughter some money. I will usually buy a gift for her and had done so this time too.
At the shower, there were so many people there I was trying to visit with that I kept looking for my MIL to make sure she was okay. She stayed pretty close to my mom so I felt comfortable moving about the room to visit. But on one occasion I couldn't help but tear up. I looked across the room to see her sitting alone on the ottoman and she looked so scared. Her face was almost pale as she looked around the room for someone that she knew. It broke my heart to think how she must feel--her granddaughter was sitting two chairs over opening wedding gifts and she still wasn't sure what was going on.
Wedding & Rehearsal Dinner-
The big day was finally here and we had so much still to do to pull off the event of a lifetime for my daughter! My husband was so worried about how his mom was going to do and she did great. She worried up to the day of the wedding about her clothes. Any time the subject of the wedding would come up, she would ask: 1. "who's wedding is it?" 2. "Lauren's?" "I didn't know she was getting married--when is it?" and 3. "Well, I don't have anything to wear, I need to go find something." This went on at least once a week from June to October anytime the subject of the wedding came up. She even told our hairdresser that my mom had gotten new clothes to wear to the wedding but she didn't; we had just taken her shopping that week! So childlike!
I had to keep her wedding clothes in my bedroom because she would move them or try to take them to the girls room because they weren't hers. I packed her clothes and worked for three days trying to convince her that I had taken care of getting her things ready for the wedding. We had even tried them on again a couple of times before the wedding just to remind her she had clothes to wear.
The morning we were leaving for the wedding she made at least 6 trips from the car to her room looking for things---I finally had to tell her to get in the car that we had everything. I feel so bad but you have to almost become the parent and treat her like a child.
This was the saddest part. At the wedding, she was ushered in (we made special arrangements with the wedding coordinator to have her seated after my parents so she could sit with my mom)and seated two seats from me. I heard her ask my mom, as my husband and daughter were walking in, if my daughter (Lauren) was going to be there. When my mom told her she was the one getting married, she said, "I didn't know Lauren was getting married!"
Alzheimer's is the most horrible disease on earth! It robs your body of your mind and your body is still able to function!
Since my last blog, my oldest daughter got married and my MIL never knew what was going on. We started planning the wedding in May and had the wedding in October. I guess that would explain why I haven't had time to sit down and share my thoughts.
Here a few examples of where my MIL is almost a year later with her decline in memory:
Engagement Announcement- this went out in June and she was able to read it. She couldn't understand why her parents weren't listed and got very upset. She thought the announcement was for my husband and I.
Bridal Shower- my MIL has always been very materialistic and thinks you show your love for someone by how much money you can give them. Anyway, she got so flustered the day before the shower and kept asking my husband who was getting married and did she get my daughter some money. I will usually buy a gift for her and had done so this time too.
At the shower, there were so many people there I was trying to visit with that I kept looking for my MIL to make sure she was okay. She stayed pretty close to my mom so I felt comfortable moving about the room to visit. But on one occasion I couldn't help but tear up. I looked across the room to see her sitting alone on the ottoman and she looked so scared. Her face was almost pale as she looked around the room for someone that she knew. It broke my heart to think how she must feel--her granddaughter was sitting two chairs over opening wedding gifts and she still wasn't sure what was going on.
Wedding & Rehearsal Dinner-
The big day was finally here and we had so much still to do to pull off the event of a lifetime for my daughter! My husband was so worried about how his mom was going to do and she did great. She worried up to the day of the wedding about her clothes. Any time the subject of the wedding would come up, she would ask: 1. "who's wedding is it?" 2. "Lauren's?" "I didn't know she was getting married--when is it?" and 3. "Well, I don't have anything to wear, I need to go find something." This went on at least once a week from June to October anytime the subject of the wedding came up. She even told our hairdresser that my mom had gotten new clothes to wear to the wedding but she didn't; we had just taken her shopping that week! So childlike!
I had to keep her wedding clothes in my bedroom because she would move them or try to take them to the girls room because they weren't hers. I packed her clothes and worked for three days trying to convince her that I had taken care of getting her things ready for the wedding. We had even tried them on again a couple of times before the wedding just to remind her she had clothes to wear.
The morning we were leaving for the wedding she made at least 6 trips from the car to her room looking for things---I finally had to tell her to get in the car that we had everything. I feel so bad but you have to almost become the parent and treat her like a child.
This was the saddest part. At the wedding, she was ushered in (we made special arrangements with the wedding coordinator to have her seated after my parents so she could sit with my mom)and seated two seats from me. I heard her ask my mom, as my husband and daughter were walking in, if my daughter (Lauren) was going to be there. When my mom told her she was the one getting married, she said, "I didn't know Lauren was getting married!"
Alzheimer's is the most horrible disease on earth! It robs your body of your mind and your body is still able to function!
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